Honesty

Being honest about what you need and want is a freeing experience. Especially when you do it with someone that reciprocates. Only when you are completely honest with someone can you come to a mutual understanding and move forward successfully.

Most of the time we are afraid of something and that is why we hold back. Afraid we won’t be accepted or worse, we will be rejected. But, what if you speak your truth and it is met with acceptance, I mean, that’s the ultimate goal right?

Every conversation I engage in now, I am completely forthright with my thoughts and feelings. But, I’ve learned to stand in my power and not require the other person to agree with me. There are somethings and some people that will never meet you where you’re at. That is okay. The right people will and you’ll be better for it.

I’m approaching this transition in my life with such patience and understanding. All good things are coming my way. Even the things that aren’t working out like I hoped, I know there’s a reason for that. I am so grateful for this life I’ve been given and the opportunities I am facing.

I think this is going to be a short one tonight. Be honest though, you’ll be glad you did.

Class of 2021

Somehow, some way, I knew I had to come out of this last year with something big. Something to honor myself and the life I’ve lived. I chose to go back to school. When I enrolled the counselor told me it would take at least a year and a half with the major I had chosen. I entered my first semester with the mindset of just getting through it and maybe I would end it there.

Well, I received amazing grades and decided to speak with a counselor to nail down a plan so I knew exactly what classes I needed and when I might be able to graduate if I continued. This counselor talked to me about my career I wanted and suggested I change my major to fit instead of keeping the broad one I had and if I did, there were 3 courses I needed to take this Spring and I could graduate in May. I was in disbelief. She told me to apply for graduation, apply to transfer and for my FAFSA. I cried. I couldn’t help but cry. In one phone call she made this goal that seemed so far off,  attainable. I was going to graduate in 5 months. What?

I worked very hard during the Winter Session and now I have 4 weeks left of my Spring semester. I graduate 🎓 exactly a month from tomorrow. Due to Covid, unfortunately, I will not be able to walk. I am super disappointed because this is a huge milestone for me. So, to commemorate this experience, I got pictures taken! I will be graduating with my A.A. in Communications and have been accepted to CSUSB in the Fall to work towards my B.A.

I’ve been holding this in afraid that I wouldn’t make it. There were times, as you know, that I wanted to give up. Giving up would have been better than failing, or so I thought. I couldn’t do it. I had come too far to take the easy route. I don’t know if ill keep my As but, by golly, I’m getting that certificate! It seems unreal. I am so damn proud of myself.

God continues to teach me lessons. He shows me that I’m on the right path and rewards me for my faithfulness. My heart is full lately and I’m focused on what truly matters. I’m learning that I’m not to get comfortable how things are because there is something in store for me. God is good, all the time.

Well, that’s the big announcement. I’m a little preoccupied at the moment so, I will end it here. But, it’s never too late to be who you’re meant to be. I am about to be a college graduate! Woohoo!

A Pink Supermoon

What better sign could I ask for? I feel magical and my body is tingling. This night, this moon, the universe is speaking to me. The wind is blowing, it is calling for me, urging me to rise up, stand in my power and don’t doubt or negate what is coming.

This day was beautiful. I saw my pictures…while I’m not a fan on how I turned out, I still accept them and love me for me. I haven’t been sent them yet. I was waiting to write this but, at this point, I don’t think they are coming tonight. Some of the pictures are breathtaking and mean so much to me. My day just got better from there. We got to go out to eat and I took the kids for dessert at the mall and then we waited for the Supermoon. Unfortunately, we had to leave Charlie’s with only the moon big and bright.

That big and bright moon was shining down on me the entire drive home and it is no coincidence the songs that came on. I gave in and soaked it all in. When the universe is working hard in my favor, who am I to question being able to watch the beauty unfold? Don’t fight a good thing.

I wish I could share with you all the good I am feeling. I know a lot has changed but I am so very blessed that I am still me. My kids know who and how I am and even when they aren’t in my presence they know how loved they are. I am doing right by them. I may not have it all figured out yet, something that is important to me, something I gauge my parenting by, it proves that I am doing what I set out to do. We are going to be okay. More so because we have each other, our love for each other makes us rich.

I just want to be outside dancing around in this wind, calling out to the heavens. Giving my thanks to God, to the universe, accepting all that is meant for me. Instead I close my eyes and imagine I’m doing just that. I am more me than I’ve ever been. I know who I am. I know who and what I love. I know what I will fight for and what I believe in. I know that not everyone and everything is for me and I accept it for what it is.

My life, our life, it is coming together. The beautiful Supermoon is bringing winds of change… can you hear it howling? Take it all in, stop hesitating, now it is time to follow your heart. Life is too short to keep everything bottled up. Be happy… because the alternative sucks. Xo

Turning Dreams into Plans

Last year my world was turned upside-down. All of my dreams were coming true and then nothing. Instead of giving up on them, I instead pushed pause and decided to work on myself. What I learned was that there were other dreams that I could focus on that required my focus and dedication to myself. That’s where school came in to play.

A year in and I am realizing that I am not limited to a set number of dreams or goals. Anything is possible if I’m willing to put in the work and… if I’m not stuck on a particular outcome or path. God may allow us to reach the destination but the journey could look completely different from what we envisioned. Now, it’s just a matter of what it is I truly want.

It boggles my mind how much things change. I was talking to Miah’s girlfriend the other day… she was asking about my dream wedding. I told her that when I was younger I wanted it big and expensive but, now I wouldn’t care getting married at City Hall. Small and intimate is more appealing to me. Yes, because it costs less but because at the end of the day, a beautiful backyard wedding would mean so much more. My priorities have changed. I’m glad too.

Again, when I was younger, I was fascinated by the hustle and bustle of big city living and now I like suburbia and dream of owning land in a small town for our pit bull sanctuary. I love that I’ve learned to let the chaos go. That my dreams are my own and slowly but surely I will find a way to make them come true.

Tomorrow I get my pictures back and then can post what I’ve been working on. It’s the first step of many. It’s forcing me to dream bigger as some dreams come to realization. I close my eyes and picture the life I want, I can see myself in my every day just doing my thing. I know there is a lot that still has to be done, some things are out of my control but, that doesn’t stop the dreaming or praying.

Years ago, me going back to school was just a dream and yet, here I am. Loving myself was not something I ever thought I would accomplish and I’m now my biggest fan. Having my mom say she is proud of me, well, I had given up on that too and somehow, it came to fruition. Her saying it came when I no longer needed to hear it. See how God works? I know I just have to believe. We got something else last weekend that none of us thought would happen and it was a dream come true. I’m still riding off that high.

We have big dreams now. We talk about them openly so we can pray for them to come true. I tell Miah all the time to see it happening and it will be. I’m blessed that he sees what I’m doing and uses it as his proof that dreams do come true. He brags about his momma to anyone that will listen. Yes, my dreams are big but, I’d give them all up for my boys. I just need them to be healthy and happy, to be good men that love and are loved wholly. Everything I do is to ensure they will have good lives. Right now I am leading by example.

I’m ready to make some more of our dreams come true. Might need some help to cross a few items off the list but, all in God’s perfect timing. I’m dreaming big, manifesting it all into reality. It’s not just about the dreaming, when I started putting things into action then He helps see it through. Sometimes you have to get your hands dirty, help do some of the work. I’ll always make mistakes but I’ll never give up. I’m turning dreams into plans….

Recharging My Battery

I’ve been pulled in many directions as of late. Working to find a balance between making me a priority and doing what must be done. My head and heart are not always on the same page and when you add others thoughts and feelings to the mix, it tends to be a bit much. Learning to choose what’s right for me and my little family first before appeasing anyone else is not as easy as one would assume but as time goes, I’m finding it easier to do.

I am in the home stretch with school only having 4 more weeks for the semester. I am feeling the pressure and forcing myself to remain focused. Here is where the wheels start getting loose and I want to jump ship for fear of failure. I will not allow such thoughts or scenarios to take up space in my head. I am looking at what’s in front of me and ignoring what’s ahead. One thing at a time, one step. I’m the tortoise, remember.

Things with family are always chaotic and although we’ve done better at getting along, we still don’t see eye to eye. Thankfully, I am not looking for acceptance just the understanding that I will do what’s best for me and my family regardless of the opposition to it. I have found strength in knowing that my responsibility is to me and mine first and then to my family and anyone else. This knowledge has changed my life for the better.

I’ve been running around and just always on other people’s timeline with assisting my Nana and taking Miah to school, etc. Today I decided to do nothing. I did what needed to be done but nothing more. I was able to nap and watch Netflix and laid in bed almost all day. I had time to think and try not to think and to find my peace. As I sit here this evening I felt like I could have done more but also that this was needed. I feel like I’m in control again.

I am making time to take care of me in ways I never have before. I have a skin care regimen for my face, I’ve bought products for my hair and learning to fix it like my stylist, taking daily vitamins and eating better. Lots and lots of listening to my body and intuition. It sounds silly but, even buying a shower cap to put my hair in on the days that I don’t wash it makes me feel good. I did that for me. The little things spark joy in me.

Tomorrow I don’t plan on saving the world but, perhaps accomplish more than today. I need to work on a slide for school, update my resume again, get on my speeches… and spend some qt with my two sillies. I filled my tank today so that I could be what they need me to be. I tell you, I’m getting a hang of this happy and healthy stuff. My world is spinning and I’m enjoying the view.

All in due time…

When I started this journey a year ago, I didn’t realize it was going to change my life. I just wanted my family back and to not despise the woman staring at me in the mirror. I was looking for a quick fix but, God said I had run out of those and it was time to put in the work. I wasn’t ready, we never really are though, I suppose.

So, each day I have chosen me because… someone had to, right? Even when I hated me, I was forced to choose me. It was no easy task. Somewhere along the way, I stopped loathing me and started loving me. At that point, I thought, well, my physical self needs to match my emotional self and I’ll be set. In my head that meant I needed to be a lot thinner. I’ve started and stopped making attempts to work on that because other things seemed more important. I was wrong again. God wanted me to accept me as I am, extra weight and all. I had to love me as is first and then I can begin my physical transformation.

In these last few weeks I hit that milestone. I stopped saying when this happens, I’ll love how I look to damn, I love every inch of me right this second. What a feeling! Yes, I am beautiful and I’m not afraid to admit it! With that, the way I see myself has changed. I got a new hairstyle that matches my personality and the color too. The smile I wear, well, it’s bigger than ever. And NOW, I am ready to make a serious effort on losing weight and getting in shape. I’m not doing it for anyone else or to love myself, that’s now a given.

My motivation has been altered and now reaching my goal is not a lose or win scenario. I am happy regardless so any positive movement is icing on the cake. The confidence I had when I went shopping today was something else. I have dreaded shopping for a while and I wasn’t even looking to buy me anything and ended up with like 4 tops. They all look cute. Perspective makes all the difference.

My boy took a step in a positive direction today as well. Something has been weighing on his mind. But, he finally made a decision and he saw it through. I’m proud of him. Healing looks different for everyone. He had to sit with it for a while and figure out his feelings on the situation. He is so not like his momma in this department. I can discuss my feelings and share them and he likes to keep his guarded under lock and key, with moat and live crocodiles…lol

We are moving in the right direction. The steps may be small ones but, they are being made. I am proud. I am thankful and definitely blessed. In God’s perfect timing all will come to pass. Patience and faith is what will get me by.

Learning How to Move Forward

Every step I take is with purpose, I move with the people I love in mind. It is intentional and only if it is in our best interest. I do not come from a place of revenge, malice, trying to hurt people or outdo them. I am growing and strengthening our foundation, I honestly don’t have time for anything petty or to pay attention to what others are doing. I am a strong woman and let me tell you, I had to be in order to forgive the wrongs I have had to endure in my lifetime. As I said last night, I could no longer carry the burdens that were only holding me back. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes ego and the devil try to have their way and I catch myself in a petty ass mood and I am quick to change things up and get back on the right path in the right mindset because I didn’t work this damn hard to lose it all on things that I have no control over.

Moving forward with grace and dignity, with a renewed spirit and the opportunity to start fresh, it takes commitment. I watched a video for Public Speaking on delivery and it was about Barack Obama. In one of the clips he said to have a commitment to following your passion wherever it may lead. I have had commitment all along, I know what my passion is and I will see it through. I remain steadfast in knowing that I must follow my heart and intuition at this point in my life, my head will only try to make sense out of things I am meant to sense and feel my way through.

Jeremiah is finding his way as well. He’s a teenager so he’s caught in that transitional phase where everything is up in the air. He thinks he knows everything but doesn’t understand why certain things happen the way they do. He has many questions and doubts and full of feelings he is trying to make sense of. I do my best to guide him along and I pray for God and our guardian angels to be with him always. The same goes for my little. He may be small but he is filled with emotions too and like his brother, he’s trying to make sense of this world with the knowledge that he has. May they find comfort in each other and I continue to pray for him as well. They are my heart, they are why I wake up every day and recommit to all that I am working towards. Not only do I want to make them proud, I want to show them that even if they get lost along the way, it’s never too late to get yourself back on track and live the life that was meant for you.

I find myself in the purest state of peace quite often these last couple of weeks and then I remember that I have a new angel in heaven. He was all about this kind of peace, going with the flow and making the best out of what life threw his way. I think he’s with me at those moments, allowing me some peace as he keeps watch over me. It is very comforting and excruciatingly painful at the same time. I’d rather him here on Earth with his boy…

Other parts of my life seem to be in limbo. I take a step forward and then it seems like I have to take two steps back. I want to get frustrated and anxious but, all I have is patience. There is purpose behind all of this. I want to do everything the right way, not right because, I’d be setting myself up for failure but, the right way. So, I just keep being me and take it all as it comes. I am honestly happy that I have the opportunity to be me and not have to hold back anymore and so everything else…. is cool. I’m the tortoise, not the hare.

As for school, I am almost done with week 12 and then only 4 weeks left. I have a final next week, two more speeches due before the semester ends, another presentation for Persuasion that the Professor has not elaborated on. I have a slide due on the 28th but waiting on pictures, whew, but, all in stride. Miah is back in school two days a week, with the possibility of four days still on the table. He was hesitant at first but is now happy to be back at it. They cooked in culinary today and he got the hang of his math work super easy… my smarty pants.

My little family, we are finding our way. It may not be fast, it may not look like what others expect but as I keep telling Miah, we are living for us now. Our family, WE come first. We aren’t listening to others or living to please them. This is our life and we are going to live it the way we want. What we’ve been doing, the decisions that we’ve been making, we are happy. He was over the moon this last weekend and I am hoping to be able to spark the same joy this weekend. I will never make the mistake of listening to others again. Nobody knows what it’s like to be in our shoes nor do they have to live with the consequences of wrong decisions. Moving forward, starting anew is a risk, one we are deciding to take. We’ve got plans, and I am going to make them a reality. One step, one breath, one prayer at a time.

Think good thoughts and believe that anything is possible. xo

This song has been stuck in my head…. thought I would share it.

Unloading Burdens

As you know, life for me is in transition. There are many moving parts working simultaneously in my favor so that my family can lead the life we deserve. Constantly working through who and how I was to understand a way to repair what was damaged or ultimately forgive me and others is not an easy task.

One thing I do know is that when we carry burdens with us, we are only making our load heavier than it is intended. I’ve been trying to explain to Miah and Charlie that parents aren’t perfect. We do our best, for some it is enough and for others, well, they’ll never get it. Our parents shortcomings are not our own. While some of us will live a lifetime trying to overcome their childhood, I choose to remember the good and leave the rest. For too long I held on to things that served no good purpose.

I keep thinking about how I’ve changed, how it has and will effect me, my relationships, my work ethic, etc. I think back to what really had a hold on shaping me and I hate that it is the bad experiences that overwhelm the good. A few awful moments can spoil everything. In doing so, I gave more power than what was deserved. I’ve since taken back that power. I truly am more comfortable in my body than I’ve been in years.

Sometimes I wish life came with a manual or I could read the book of my life to know what happens next. Then I get this tingling sensation and an overwhelming peace comes over me because I know we are going to be alright. I may spend too much time trying to figure out what that looks like but, it is only because I’m a planner.

It isn’t easy releasing your burdens, especially when you’ve grown accustomed to carrying them with you all the time. The wright off your shoulders offers an unimaginable relief and it makes your heart not feel so torn. I am not defined by my past. I admit, it did shape me, but, I have time to make bold choices, healthy choices that can and will ultimately define the woman that I am. Growing into my power, accepting all this change is exhausting then I look in the mirror and remember, I love this woman and that is reason enough to continue.

I am loved by amazing mens… their love is proof that I’m on the right track. Beyond what I am doing for me, as long as they’re proud of me, well, I’ve already won. I don’t need a fancy car or jewelry, I only need them. I had to let go of the parts of my past that didn’t serve me so that I could fully appreciate and have room for all the love we share. Even when I was broken they loved me more than anyone else in this world. I’m not broken anymore and they deserve all I’ve got.

I overthought too much and let things hurt me way too long. But, with prayer and a whole lot of me time, I worked some stuff out. My heart is lighter and my soul is happy. I give it to God and trust He will sort it all out. For now, I remain steadfast and patient and experience life as it comes. What’s meant for me will find a way….

Who Do You Want to Be?

It’s something we get asked from a young age, but usually phrased in what do we want to be. I think who is a better question. Putting emphasis on who and not what might give us an opportunity to raise better humans. Instead of being consumed with an occupational path, we can work more towards who we are and what we have to offer.

I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up. I thought I had a handle on who I was but, I was wrong. It’s not something that is made a priority. We’ve heard of lying and cheating to get into schools and so many other instances where someone was deceitful to get ahead. It doesn’t phase them because that high profile career is the goal and not their moral compass.

Who I am has always been important to me. Who my children are matters. I don’t care what their career is, their sexual preference or where they choose to live as long as I know they are decent human beings. Knowing what you’re willing to fight for, sacrifice for, what you’d endure for it, that’s important. The kind of person… are you generous? Do you open doors for others? Say please, thank you, bless you, you’re welcome? This is what matters.

We get caught up the need to keep the train moving that we don’t live our lives. I was so obsessed with not having enough time but, the time I wasted was time that I had and didn’t use.

I keep thinking of who I am and who I want to be. I am me, first and foremost. I of course love being a mom and the hope of being wife one day. Beyond that, I want a house that I can cook for my family in, that we can make and share memories, we can have barbecues and invite family and friends with games and fun and comradery. I want a career I love and to be the best version of me. When I get older, I want a pit sanctuary, like we planned for older pits to live out their lives.

I want to dance in the rain and go on adventures. I want to stay up late having deep meaningful conversations, I want to have fun and laugh and learn and be spontaneous. I am so ready to continue to grow into the woman I am. To lead my boys by example, proving that you’re never too old to be who you are meant to be.

I’m not concerned with money or things, I care about my soul, their souls. Are we standing up for what’s right? Are we recycling for the future of my grandchildren and their children? Are we living a life that will inspire others? No job title can satisfy that. Success to me is our happiness. If by some chance we make money doing what we love, well, then, that is icing on the cake.

I learn so much about what I want in life as I sit and enjoy my Nana’s company. If my grandchildren can do the same, then I know I did something right. My heart is full right now. Full of love and possibilities. Who I am has a lot to do with it. I am a good woman. I am worthy of wonderful things. I am kind, generous and loyal.

Do you know who you are? Are you even interested? I didn’t ask your title either. Who are you as a person? Would others describe you as you see yourself? Would your children? Mine love me for me…so, I think I’m on the right path. They’re my why afterall.

Making Time for what Matters

As I am not currently preoccupied with the hustle and bustle of daily life and have this time with my Nana, I am taking full advantage. This last week I have binge watched many shows with her and I thoroughly enjoy it. I love her, love being around her, always hoping that she’ll rub off on me as much as she can. She is one hell of a woman.

Time, it is more precious than gold. Yet, we take if for granted carelessly. I admit, I do spend more time on social media than I should, although more recently it has been with more purpose, other than that, I am making an effort to spend my time wisely. Before I would spend so much time sleeping just trying to escape my depression or avoid myself. I, thankfully have worked past that phase.

I love being with my kids, listening to how their day went, what happened in school and just what is in their mind. I’ve learned to put my phone down and focus because they deserve my attention and these are the memories I will cherish later on when they have left the nest. A conversation,  back rub, whatever, it all gives me quality time and I’m willing to oblige.

Today I started off with good intentions of focusing on me. I did for about an hour and then got distracted. I’ll let it slide this time. But, tomorrow is different. It is imperative I work on other areas of myself. I have books I need to read and of course, schoolwork.  I have 5 weeks left. Can’t lose it all at the last minute.

When you love someone or something, you make time for it.  It is the little things that usually go a long way. We are living on borrowed time and hesitation only costs us more than we have to spare. Sometimes we just have to take leap of faith.

Have you thought about what motivates you? I hope you’re one of the reasons. If not,  start there. I suggest you spend time with all you love. Everything counts as long as your heart and attention are focused in the right direction. I think Nana and I are better than we’ve ever been. Even Miah and I are. I enjoy making Nana lunch and dinner and getting her pills. I know it sounds silly but, I do have pride in taking care of her.

Spend a moment thinking. Is this the life you want? If not, what are you doing about it? Every second counts. I’m laying here gleefully writing and contemplating what’s on the agenda tomorrow.

Above all else, I am thankful for everything I have and the opportunities I have coming up. I feel like a broken record but, I have to show my appreciation. Sorry all, I guess today took a lit out of me. I keep falling asleep writing this. So, I know it isn’t the best, I totally could have written more but, I see now that it is best to quit while I’m ahead then continue to write gibberish from my fingers touching the wrong keys. I’m silly, I know.

So, goodnight all. We will chat again tomorrow. Hopefully you’ve made progress by then. Tomorrow is a fresh start for endless possibilities. The day is what we make of it. Take time for what matters and do what makes your heart sing. I dare you. Lol xo